Posted by: Devin | August 4, 2016

​Probably the deepest, most personal thing I’ve ever shared on here.  Thoughts about how short life is, anxiety, fears…to be. 
At 32, finally seeing a therapist again, getting at long last a full time job…I keep thinking…how did this happen? How did my 20s pass me by? Everything happens so quickly. I recall so vividly things that happened 14 years ago, and it feels like half that time. 
I spend so much time dwelling on things that might or might not happen. This crippling fear that leaves me, day after day, in my house, not seeing the world while I have the chance. There is so much I’ve never done because I’ve been too afraid. 
Is it normal to have some big, deep epiphany about life at 32? I don’t know, but I’ve wasted so much time. 
I can’t magically make all my anxieties go away, but I can get my feet wet and focus more on the here and now. Memories are wonderful, but going over and over them…I could be doing something in the now. 
I keep thinking, oh, someday I’ll learn to play my ukulele. Someday I’ll go on an actual camping trip. Someday I’ll be brave. I don’t know how many somedays I have left, you know? I need to do what I can to LIVE, to confront fears and try things anyway. 
Every day should not be a xerox copy of the last. Of course realistically I can’t up and do what I want, I need a job and do have health issues and such. But I should keep drawing. Write that book. Learn how to bake a cake from scratch. TRY. 
I write this for the anxious me, the scared me, from your future self. Don’t. Waste. Time. Play videogames if you want, but also do things you haven’t done before. Keep trying. Make memories. If your anxiety is bad, you make that art piece and post it online. That totally counts. Don’t expect to do something new every day, but when opportunities arise, take that Xanax and TRY. You might hate it, but when you’re older and looking back, that will be another thing you got to experience. 
Life is short. You are brave. If you are having a panic attack right now because you’re scared to do whatever it is, take some deep breaths…and try. To live. To experience. To learn as much as you can. If you absolutely feel you cannot, then you take all those fears and you create something with them. And next time, you can try again. 
You got this, dude. To be.


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