Posted by: Devin | January 1, 2015

New Year’s Savior Poem for Stoogette Laura

 

you were on the futon
relaxed and in repose
prepared to get your Shatner on
in my place
your smiling face
so unaware

of the danger
the looming danger
right abooooove yooooou

you had fear
tangible and palpable
the sweat stood out upon your brow
like tiny soldiers marching to their deaths as waves of eyebrows unfurled from castle towers

you were so afraid, you almost fled
packed your bags and high-tailed it back to Boston
ready to tell your mom, “that Stooge is a Satanist
she keeps hoardes of spiders in her place
and she had a barbecue ready
and a special roasting sauce for my body
she was gonna make hams out of me”

but no fear, my dear
I was prepared
to save your life in an instant
I am not a Satanist,
well, okay, at least not a cannibal

and I’d be damned if I let my Stooge be attacked
that’d be so whack
I’d rather eat raw eggs

so I grabbed my deadly weapon
that holy symbol that conquers evil
held aloft, that didgeridoo
and herded that fuckin’ spider
straight into where the fan attached to the ceiling

I SAVED YOUR LIFE! I screamed,
smearing goo from that didgeridoo all over the place

and now, when I am lonely
I stare up at that goo
and weep…
and I throw cards for sorrow…cards for pain…

no, I’m kidding, I throw my cat up in the air and go I SAVED THAT STOOGE’S LIFE, WA-HEEEEE

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